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Situation comedy theme songs aren’t what they used to be. Today, the networks would rather skip the opening montage of characters doing goofy things in order to save time for more commercials. However, since I Love Lucy, there have been many great themes, and they’re ingrained in our heads. But not all of them, even for the best shows, make us want to burst into song. Here are Gunaxin’s picks for the best live-action, original themes for situation comedies that are the most fun to sing (sorry, Friends and Family Guy).

They’re creepy and they’re kooky,

Mysterious and spooky,
They’re all together ooky,
The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum.
When people come to see ’em
They really are a screa-um.
The Addams Family.

Neat
Sweet
Petite

So get a witch’s shawl on.
A broomstick you can crawl on.
We’re gonna pay a call on
The Addams Family.

Well we’re movin on up,

To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Fish don’t fry in the kitchen;
Beans don’t burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin’,
Just to get up that hill.
Now we’re up in the big leagues,
Gettin’ our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it’s you and me baby,
There ain’t nothin wrong with that.

Well we’re movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Good Times.

Any time you meet a payment. – Good Times.
Any time you need a friend. – Good Times.
Any time you’re out from under.
Not getting hassled, not getting hustled.
Keepin’ your head above water,
Making a wave when you can.

Temporary lay offs. – Good Times.
Easy credit rip offs. – Good Times.
Scratchin’ and surviving. – Good Times.
Hangin in a chow line – Good Times.
Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em – Good Times.

CLOSING THEME LYRICS

Mmmmmm
Just lookin’ out of the window.
Watchin’ the asphalt grow.
Thinkin’ how it all looks hand-me-down.
Good Times, yeah, yeah Good Times

Keepin’ your head above water
Makin’ a wave when you can

Temporary lay offs. – Good Times.
Easy credit rip offs. – Good Times.
Ain’t we lucky we got ’em – Good Times.

Come and knock on our door (Come and knock on our door)

We’ve been waiting for you (We’ve been waiting for you)
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three’s company too.

Come and dance on on our floor (Come and dance on on our floor)
Take a step that is new (Take a step that is new)
We’ve a loveable space that needs your face,
Three’s company too.

You’ll see that life is a frolic and laughter is calling for you,
Down at our rendez-vous,
Three’s company, too!

Here’s the story of a lovely lady

Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.

Here’s the store, of a man named Brady,
Who was busy with three boys of his own,
They were four men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family.
That’s the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch,

That’s the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch.

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played.

Songs that made the hit parade.
Guys like us we had it made.
Those were the days.

Didn’t need no welfare state.
Everybody pulled his weight.
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.
Those were the days.

And you knew who you WERE THEN.
Girls were girls and men were men.
Mister we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
People seemed to be content.
Fifty dollars paid the rent.
Freaks were in a circus tent.
Those were the days.

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin at some food,
And up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude.

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know ol’ Jed’s a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Jed move away from there
Said Californy is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars.

The Beverly Hillbillies!

Sung at the end of the show:

Well now its time to say good-bye to Jed and all his kin.
And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin in.
You’re all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin helpin of their hospitality

Hillbilly that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
The weekend comes,
My cycle hums,
Ready to race to you.

These days are all,
Happy and Free. (Those Happy Days)
These days are all,
Share them with me. (oh baby)
Goodbye grey sky, hello blue.
There’s nothing can hold me when I hold you.
Feels so right, it can’t be wrong.
Rockin’ and rollin’ all week long.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
Saturday, What a day,
Groovin’ all week with you.

These days are all,
Share them with me. (Those Happy Days)
These days are all,
Happy and Free. (oh baby)
These Happy Days are your’s and mine.
These Happy Days are your’s and mine, Happy Days.

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suite case and send me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my walkman on and said, ‘I might as well kick it’.

First class, yo this is bad
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Bel-Air Living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear there’re prissy, wine all that
Is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat?
I don’t think sow
I’ll see when I get there
I hope they’re prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain’t trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought ‘Now forget it’ – ‘Yo homes to Bel Air’

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie ‘Yo homes smell ya later’
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan
The Skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife,
The movie star
The professor and Mary Ann,
Here on Gilligans Isle.

So this is the tale of the castaways,
They’re here for a long, long time,
They’ll have to make the best of things,
It’s an uphill climb.

The first mate and the Skipper too,
Will do their very best,
To make the others comfortable,
In the tropic island nest.

No phone, no lights no motor cars,
Not a single luxury,
Like Robinson Crusoe,
As primitive as can be.

So join us here each week my friends,
You’re sure to get a smile,
From seven stranded castaways,
Here on “Gilligan’s Isle.”

Gunaxin’s Honorable Mentions:
The Andy Griffith Show
Cheers
Different Strokes
Facts of Life
Gimme a Break
Green Acres
Laverne & Shirley
Mary Tyler Moore (Love Is All Around)
Maude
Mr. Ed
The Nanny
One Day at a Time
Saved by the Bell
Scrubs
WKRP in Cincinnati

A good film is a good film. It shouldn’t matter what it’s about, and it shouldn’t matter who it’s about, so long as it’s well-written, well-directed, well-acted and has a jammin’ soundtrack. Non-Greek audiences ate up My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and it didn’t matter that they didn’t grow up in that environment. So, when looking at lists of the best black films, John Singleton’s 1991 drama Boyz N the Hood is one that I’ve noticed white people praise as well. To put that in perspective, Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing is also on many ‘best black movie’ lists, but white people just don’t get it even if they say they do. Let me repeat: White people DO NOT GET Do the Right Thing.

So, though many people, particularly white ones, can’t personally relate to the setting in Boys N The Hood, here are some reasons why it’s well liked by them anyway, aside from it just being a well-made film (which of course is the prime reason).

 

Anyone who takes screenwriting classes and aspires to be a writer/director is envious of Singleton, who was only 23 years old when he was nominated for Best Director and Best Screenwriting for this film at the Oscars. Wide-eyed college students with screenplays dream of the day that their film gets made and it takes many years for the few who even make it. Singleton did it when he was barely out of college. Those with film-making aspirations should watch the director’s commentary.

There are two scenes in this film that pay homage to the 1986 film Stand By Me. The first is when they are walking on the railroad tracks and then go to see a dead body. The second is when Doughboy is walking away at the end and disappears into thin air, ala River Phoenix. Singleton mentions this in the director’s commentary.

Considering the tension there was between police and residents in L.A. in the early 90s (which finally climaxed after the Rodney King beating verdict), Singleton could have easily cast a white man in this role. Instead this showed that stereotyping isn’t a white-on-black thing, but a black-on-black thing as well.

This young actor’s talent was apparent in this film and he went on to be an Oscar-winning star. Now, he’s that squeaky-clean actor that everyone likes.

Unlike Mookie in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing, Tre actually does the right thing. And say what you want about the film’s ultimate message about ‘the man,’ no one is asking for handouts in this film. Furious preaches hard work and responsibility. Does Mookie do that? No. So F-you, Spike.

Rob Reiner’s 1986 classic Stand By Me (Special Edition DVD on Amazon) is perhaps the greatest coming-of-age film ever. There are many reasons why this film is great, aside from the obvious ones like the writing, the directing, the acting, the casting, and so forth. Here are other reasons:

Most books are better than the movie, but in this case, Rob Reiner made a better version of Stephen King’s novella “The Body” from Different Seasons (incidentally, it’s widely agreed that Shawshank Redemption the film is better than “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption,” which is also a novella from Different Seasons.) I won’t give out spoilers as to why the movie is better than the book, but it’s still worth reading. Buy it here on Amazon.

When the U.S. Postal Service finally goes bankrupt, this will be the perfect way to get rid of these neighborhood eye-sores.

 

Honorable mention goes to ‘chicken’ which Ace played in the car. But this movie was more about Teddy’s obsession with Train Dodge, and no one did it better than Vern and Gordie:

 

Note to kids who resemble Vern: You, too, can grow up and marry Rebecca Romijn. Yes, that’s the kid whose sole contribution to the gang was a comb, and who came full circle at the end when he found a penny.

When I was 12 going on 13, it would’ve been so cool if I could curse, smoke and have a gun, so I envied these boys.

 

We had our own music to jam to in the 1980s, but because we were so in love with this film, we liked the music, as well, though it wasn’t exactly glam rock or Michael Jackson. This movie also made Ben E. King’s song “Stand By Me” shoot up the charts 25 years after it was released. Get the Stand By Me: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack from Amazon.

 

Though I have seen the film about 20 times since 1986, I never realized how many oddball mistakes that Reiner made. To be fair, almost every film has inconsistencies from shot-to-shot, but lovers of the movie will be watching it from a different perspective after seeing this carefully-edited video:

 

Teddy Duchamp is Feldman’s best role by far. He played his usual crazy self, made us laugh, and had emotional scenes such as the one below:

 

Okay, it wasn’t “cool” that Phoenix died in 1993 at the age of 23 outside Johnny Depp’s Viper Room in Los Angeles, about seven years after the movie came out. But when you watch the film, and Chris Chambers walks off into the distance and fades into thin air as it’s explained that he was killed while trying to break up a fight, it adds a very real layer of emotion to this tale.

Last but certainly not least, Gunaxin pays homage to perhaps one of the best stories-within-a-story ever told.

There once was a time, before the internet and before cable TV, when families sat in the living room on a Friday night playing games. My, how 25 years just flew by. Perhaps after the fall of democracy or a nuclear war, we’ll have to resort to such primitive doings once again. So, to be safe, stock these games in the bomb shelter. A few notes about the list :

1. We left out out card games, including Uno, because there are so many.
2. We left out games that have no copyright, like chess, checkers and backgammon.
3. We only included games from our childhood, because we’re old and bitter.
4. List is broken into two, first for the young folks, and then for the older crowd.

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Top Ten for the Young Folks

I was not interested in playing this game but really interested in setting up all the thingies and catching the mouse.

 

 

Obviously a game invented for kids who weren’t yet on Ritalin, the object was to hit the lever as fast as possible so the hippo eats the marbles, and whoever had the most wins. The hippo’s heads always came off and the levers always broke, but man on man, did me and my friends dig us some Hungry Hungry Hippos.

 

 

Great game for shaping kids’ minds.

 

 

A more advanced version of tic-tac-toe. The much older original version is known as “The Captain’s Mistress.” Why they changed that name I’ll never know.

 

Also called Snakes and Ladders, here’s another classic game we played when we were kids, but by God did it suck when we had to go down those chutes.

 

The only game on this list that features a nude fat man. You know what they should do? Put out a Family Guy version of this.

 

 

“You sank my battleship.” Nuff said.

 

This game was totally for geeks with good memories. Once we lost, we tossed it aside and played something else.

 

 

Now this is supposed to be pure family fun. But sometimes close is a little too close, you know? And there are very few people I want to get that close to.

 

 

This is the first game most kids play, based completely on luck. I used to cry when I lost.

 

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Top Ten for When We Got Older

Included so we don’t get bashed for omitting it, but honestly I don’t have fond memories of this game.

 

A definite classic, and certainly requires much more strategy than most games.

 

 

To me, the only good thing about this game is screaming YAHTZEE!

 

 

Great, fun game to play, especially while drinking.

 

 

Like real life itself, I thought this game sucked because it required so much luck if you were going to make anything out of it. But if you made a lot of money and got a hot girl, it was pretty sweet.

 

I don’t seem to remember having a ‘kids’ version of this when I was a kid, so I was forced to memorize which scientist discovered the Atom and other obscure facts so I didn’t get my butt kicked when I played my parents. And even today when I try to memorize the answers on the back of the cards, I give up because there are just way too many.

 

If we were a more educated society, this game would be higher on the list, if not number one, but there are too many players who are more concerned about spelling ‘boobs,’ ‘wang,’ or ‘strategery’ which isn’t any fun for those who get the triple word score with the letter ‘Q.’

 

 

This game was way too complicated and us kids didn’t have the patience for it. But Kramer and Newman played it on Seinfeld so it must be good.

 

 

Col. Mustard in the kitchen with the wrench. The 1985 film developed a cult following. Yvette is hot.

 

 

Yup, somehow, Monopoly is No. 1. I’ve never really been clear on the allure of this game, considering how long it takes to play (HOURS) and how annoying it is near the end (when you’re losing), but we played it anyway, as a family.

It’s time to put it to a vote. Who do you believe is the dumbest athlete of all time? Though we here at Gunaxin came up with a list of 30 top prospects, there are certainly many more who could have qualified. Some of them aren’t as high-profile, or didn’t get as much media attention, or maybe did dumb things (Charles Barkley, for example), but are getting along relatively fine despite serial idiotic decisions. This list theoretically could be thousands of people long if we named them all, so let’s stick with some of the most well-known.

Vote for the dumbest at the bottom!

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Plaxico Burress

In a small way I actually feel sorry for Burress, who is serving a two-year prison sentence for bringing a gun into a club and accidentally shooting himself in the leg, like Cheddar Bob in 8 Mile. Two years seems harsh for that, because it’s not like he was trying to rob or kill someone. Michael Vick got a similar sentence and did much worse. Regardless, this misstep caused this one-time Super Bowl hero to get released by the Giants and to miss the next two seasons of football relatively late in his career, which means he may be done for good.

 

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Maurice Clarett

Clarett had one of the best freshman years ever as he led Ohio State to a championship. Because of the NFL’s age rules, he was not eligible to be drafted. So he sued. And he partied. And he got arrested. Then he got drafted, didn’t make the team, got arrested for armed robbery and is now in prison. Check out his blog.

 

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Rae Carruth

This Carolina Panther tried to have his pregnant girlfriend killed. Was captured in the trunk of his car with $3900 in cash, bottles to hold his urine, extra clothes, candy bars, and a cell phone.

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John Daly

This golfer is nothing but trouble. Whenever he wins an event, he blows it on gambling. He’s been married and divorced a bunch of times. He was arrested at Hooters in 2008. Due to Daly’s various drinking escapades, the drink consisting of sweet tea-flavored vodka and lemonade (also called a Dirty Arnold Palmer) is often referred to as a John Daly. Actually, that’s pretty cool.

 

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Lenny Dykstra

Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel showed how he became a financial wizard and made millions, then Gumbel did a follow-up story showing how Dykstra lost all his money and filed for bankruptcy. Last I heard, he was living in his car.

 

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Dwight Gooden

Gooden was one of the most dominant NL pitchers in the middle and late 1980s, but his career declined because of drug and alcohol abuse. After he retired, he was arrested for drunk driving, hitting his girlfriend, another DWI, probation violation, and he served time in prison.

 

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Eddie Griffin

Crashed his car while watching porn and playing with himself while drunk. “Anal Action” and “Privates” were the two porn titles cited in a lawsuit against him. In March 2007, Griffin was released by the Timberwolves, who had grown tired of his attitude and off-court troubles. Later that year, Houston police said Griffin, who was drunk, ignored a railroad warning and went through a barrier before striking a moving train and burned to death. He is survived by a daughter named Amaree.

 

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Chris Henry

This Bengal has done so many stupid things that an entire article could be devoted to it. He’s been in trouble for drugs, guns, DWI, providing alcohol to minors, on-the-field problems, assault, probation violation and the list goes on.

 

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Travis Henry

This footballer has fathered at least 11 children among 10 different women, has had on-going problems making his child support payments, and this: In July, 2009, Henry was sentenced to three years in federal prison for financing a cocaine trafficking operation.

 

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“Shoeless Joe” Jackson

…and his teammates intentionally lost the 1919 World Series with the Black Sox.

 

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Tank Johnson

Johnson has been in trouble for guns, assault, resisting arrest, probation violation, and has served time in jail.

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Marion Jones

Yes, female athletes do stupid things, too. Jones won five medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, but had to forfeit all medals and prizes dating back to September 2000 after admitting that she took performance-enhancing drugs. But that’s not all. She also lied to two grand juries, and had to serve six months in prison. She was also involved in a check fraud scheme.

 

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Pacman Jones

Another guy with a long rap sheet. He’s been in trouble for assault, disorderly conduct, something to do with drugs and shootings, and a problem with a Las Vegas exotic dancer, amongst other things.

 

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Floyd Landis

Sprang ahead to win the 2006 Tour de France, and then they found out… you guessed it… he had doped.

 

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Jamal Lewis

During an otherwise fine professional football career, Lewis was charged in 2004 with conspiring to possess with the intent to distribute five kilograms of cocaine, and served four months in prison.

 

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Dexter Manley

A great football player for the Washington Redskins, Manley was on two Super Bowl winning teams. Later, we found out he was illiterate, despite going to Oklahoma State University for four years. He got banned from the NFL for failing multiple drug tests, and had drug problems after he left the league.

 

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Nate Newton

This six-time pro bowler was found with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van. Five weeks later, he was caught with 175 pounds of marijuana.

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Bob Probert

This longtime Red Wing and full-time goon has been arrested for drugs, served time in prison, crashed his motorcycle while high and drunk, and was arrested for allegedly parking his car on the wrong side of the street and entering into an altercation over drugs with bystanders. He was also arrested at his home for breach of peace, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer.

 

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Pete Rose

Major League Baseball’s all-time hits and games played leader, Rose gambled on the game while a player and a manager, received a ban from the game and won’t make the hall of fame. Rose also pleaded guilty to two charges of filing false income tax returns not showing income he received from selling autographs and memorabilia, and from horse racing winnings. He was sentenced to five months in prison.

 

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Rosie Ruiz

 

In 1980, she came in first in the 84th Boston Marathon, but was later stripped of her title when it was found that she had registered for the race and later jumped in from the crowd and sprinted to the finish.

 

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Donte Stallworth

DUI. Killed someone. Served 30 days of jail time. Suspended for a season.

 

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Darryl Strawberry

Child support problems, arrested for soliciting a prostitute, arrested for a hit-and-run, drugs, and served time in prison.

 

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O.J. Simpson

Starred in some really bad movies, amongst other things.

 

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Mike Tyson

Convicted of rape, drug problems, assault problems, bit an opponent’s ear, went bankrupt… you name it.

 

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Marcus Vick

Mike’s younger brother who had two criminal convictions while quarterback at Virginia Tech, not to mention traffic arrests. After he left Virginia Tech and failed to make it in the NFL (with the Dolphins), he got in trouble for brandishing a firearm against a group of people, was involved in a civil lawsuit involving sex with a juvenile, more traffic arrests and seven additional convictions, a DUI, eluding police, driving on the wrong side of the road. Most recently, he’s been in trouble for marijuana. No problems with dog-fighting, though.

 

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Michael Vick

Drug problems and financed a dog fighting ring. Served time in prison, and now he’s back with the Philadelphia Eagles where Gunaxin prays that he FAILS.

 

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Antoine Walker

This longtime Celtic was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving at Miami Beach in 2009, and was charged with three felony counts of writing bad checks related to gambling debts he had incurred at three Las Vegas casinos. Walker was arrested on at Harrah’s Casino in South Lake Tahoe, Nevada on charges stemmed from over $800,000 in gambling debts.

 

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Jayson Williams

Since his retirement from the NBA due to injuries, Williams has famously been involved in the shooting death of a limo driver at his home. He was also stunned with a taser by police after becoming violent at a N.Y. hotel room, and later got into an altercation at a bar. Next up: A retrial for the limo driver manslaughter charge, which could get him 10 years.

 

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Ricky Williams

This guy sounds more like a hippie than an average dumb football player with four kids by three different women. He’s a vegetarian, a supporter of PETA, a yoga instructor, a Hindu. Oh yeah, he’s a big marijuana user, and has been in trouble and suspended from the NFL multiple times for that. He also signed a ridiculous contract when he came into the league, which was largely incentive-laden, with most of them requiring higher than top-level production to attain.

 

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The Baseball Dopers

 

They doped, they hit home runs, they got into very little – if any – trouble, and now everyone knows who they are and think they’re jerkoffs. Only thing is, very few of them really got in much trouble, but suffered some embarrassment. Maybe they’re not so dumb, after all.

 

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Dishonorable Mentions

Ron Artest (basketball)
Sean Avery (hockey)
Len Bias (basketball)
Eric Cantona (soccer)
Mike Danton (hockey)
Theo Fluery (hockey)
Tonya Harding (skating)
Michael Irvin (football)
Tony Mandarick (football)
Bode Miller (skiing)
Randy Moss (football)
Ruben Patterson (basketball)
Lawrence Phillips (football)
Michael Rasmussen (cycling)
Barret Robbins (football)
Robert “Tractor” Traylor (basketball)
Chris Simon (hockey)
Michelle Smith (swimming)
Ugueth Urbina (baseball
Qyntel Woods (basketball)
The Ultimate Warrior (wrestler)
THE LIST NEVER ENDS