The Best Response I’ve Ever Gotten

Back in college, I wrote for the student newspaper The Diamondback at University of Maryland). At the time, I had the itch to voice my opinions on controversial subjects using satirical writing. I didn’t care that some people would angrily dismiss me as an idiot, because others would STRONGLY agree. Sure enough, the hate mail and love letters arrived. Even professors nodded their approval.

But there was one person who wrote to me who I’ll never forget. I did what most people can’t – completely change someone’s perspective on one of the most controversial subjects out there (using a student newspaper, of all things). She sent me this e-mail on Dec. 6, 1996.

Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 00:22:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Rebecca Bender <renna@wam.umd.edu>
To: Chain <bsumner@wam.umd.edu>
Subject: Oh, dear.

I am twenty years old. For eight years of my life I have been staunchly
pro-choice. This is especially odd in light of the fact that I am also
staunchly Catholic, and nothing anyone, including my Church, could say
would change my mind about the abortion issue. Not only is it my body to
do what I want with, but it’s not my place to tell others what to do with
their bodies. Period.

Your editorial changed all that.

I started reading your article because I thought it was another piece of
lifer bullshit. I’m still not sure what your point was, whether it was
arguing against abortion or against drugs or just against hypocrisy. It
doesn’t matter. And I’m not saying your article was an extraordinary piece
of literature. But somehow, it changed my mind– something I never, ever
thought would happen.

I was reading your article going bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, when I hit
the line about “a woman has every right to drink, smoke and bounce on her
belly because, say it with me, ‘you can do with your body what you want'”.
Again, I thought, bullshit, she doesn’t have that right because that’s
attempted murder, just like on ER a couple of weeks ago with that woman
who tried to drink her baby to death.

And then I realized I was being a hypocrite.

And suddenly a hundred things fell into place. I realized that if a woman
gives birth three months prematurely she can’t dismember the baby on the
delivery table, but she can have an abortion at six months and that’s
legal. I said, hey, it’s a body inside MY body and so it’s my right to do
what I want with. Then I thought, just because the dentist puts his hand
in my mouth doesn’t give me the right to bite it off. I thought, Having a
child inside you gives you a responsibility, not a right.

I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but you snuck up on me. Here’s what
you did do on purpose: you made me face up to my own hypocrisy.

What about feminism? I thought. And then I thought, in a society where
motherhood is not sacred but negligible, is it any surprise that women’s
roles as mothers are not much respected?

How dare I bitch about the lack of sanctity for motherhood while demanding
my right to kill my children?

A man named Milan Kundera once wrote that as humans, it is our treatment
of the helpless, not of the able, that says the most about us. Now I think
I’m a different kind of pro-choice: putting the choices of my children
before my own choices. That sounds like the right kind of feminism to me.

This is getting long, so I’ll end this here. I want to thank
you for setting me straight. I think you should be proud. I marched in the
pro-choice march in ’93. Though I never believed I could live with myself
if I had an abortion, I always vigilantly supported the right of women to
do so if they chose. Even my church couldn’t change my mind. And somehow
you did.

And I’m surprised because I really feel good about it, like I finally
chose the right thing. Thanks.

-Becky

Ryan Meets His Grandparents

It’s funny that my parents are now grandparents but they’re in their 60s so there really isn’t anything strange about that. Here they are with my grandmother and my newborn nephew, Ryan.

 

 

Smaug the Magnificent Legendary Collection Stein

I’m not a stein collector, but when I saw Smaug the Magnificent I knew that would be one I’d go for if I ever started collecting. That moment happened and I couldn’t be happier with the purchase. It absolutely looks and feels like a quality piece (granted, I haven’t held too many others).

Of course, this isn’t meant for anything other than show. This isn’t a stein that you drink out of, and if you can’t do that you can’t do much else with it. You just pick it up every now and then and admire the artwork and the gold ring on top. Maybe flip it open and wonder if the metal lid could break the porcelain if you close it too hard.

CORRECTION: According to the directions, you can drink out of it. I won’t.

Or, get the cheaper version of this:

 

Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein01 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein31 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein30 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein29 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein28 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein27 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein26 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein25 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein24 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein23 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein22 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein21 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein20 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein19 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein18 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein17 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein15 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein14 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein13 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein11 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein10 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein09 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein08 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein07 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein06 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein05 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein04 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein03 Smaug-the-Magnificent-Legendary-Stein02

Instincts Without a Cause

Certain people instinctively enjoy being loud and confrontational on a stage set for them to angrily express their views. Freedom of speech and the Internet have made this easier to do, and groups that bind together in the name of a cause provide an unapologetic opportunity for the members to scratch these protest itches.

Back in the mid-90s on college campuses, everything seemed right with our world. Never mind that Al Qaeda was plotting to spread fear throughout America and people throughout the world were living under oppressive, murderous governments. Bill Clinton was in office, the stock market was soaring and the U.S. was merely patrolling Iraq for fly-zone violations.

At University of Maryland, College Park, there wasn’t much to be angry about. Sure, there were Lyndon LaRouche supporters handing out pamphlets and poorly-attended anarchist rallies, but nothing to get bent out of shape over, unlike a few decades earlier when Vietnam War protests took hold of the campus.

Some people, perhaps those who had these instincts that I speak of, suddenly found a cause which gave them a chance to socially bind together, carry signs and shout slogans. By golly, there was no Asian-American Studies program at the University of Maryland. It wasn’t a major, and it needed to be, now. (Keep in mind there never was a program for this at UMCP – it was something they simply demanded. The protests would have been vastly different if they were arguing to retain the program).

“Gooks, Chinks, Spicks and Japs, take these labels off our backs!” Yes, they yelled this during their ‘protests.’

<Insert cause here>. Round up students. Make signs. Get together and be loud. Asian-American Studies at University of Maryland was the cause, and the supporters wouldn’t be ignored. There was simply no argument good enough for not having this program. It was their right. It was a violation of their life, liberty and pursuit of happiness not to have these classes on demand.

When people have this passion and enjoy confrontation, they’ll adopt a cause. They’ll decide which side and group of people that they feel more comfortable with. They’ll stretch their view to justify every last point and anyone who disagrees is a racist, regardless of any credentials. They’ll look at the same unbiased facts as their opponents and interpret them to suit their own beliefs. They’ll attend protests, scream in people’s faces, and justify their poor behavior by claiming that they can’t be civil to the terrorist opposition. They’ll make great friends – a necessary bonus – and the cause is suddenly their life. If and when they win, it’s off to another cause, because the itch will return.

I don’t have these instincts to scream in the face of someone who has a different view than me (Though I did attend the Rally for Sanity), but I do have the instinct to analyze the arguments of people like this and dissect the extreme claims they created to support their cause. They call me names when I play devil’s advocate, though what I say doesn’t necessarily contradict the overall issue. You can still agree broadly with a cause but disagree with certain arguments that justify it, or acknowledge that it may have consequences that would need to be addressed separately. But close-minded people don’t want it that way.

Here’s a real-world example, more common and controversial than Asian-American Studies at UMCP. The basic argument surrounding the abortion debate is whether or not a fetus (typically only in the early stages of pregnancy) should have the same rights as anyone else. Either yes or no. If someone says no, that doesn’t necessarily put them on the same page as angry feminists who claim abortion is self defense, pregnancy oppresses and harms women, and that a fetus is nothing more than a parasite. Average pro-choice people reject these ideas, but those who like to scream and protest are more likely to embrace them, then shout them to the world. The same formula happens with other controversial causes, including the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the U.S. involvement in the Middle East.

When someone is so passionate about a cause, the extremism may not be just about their actual beliefs, but their personal desire for confrontation.

For what it’s worth, there is now an Asian-American Studies program at UMCP. Maybe that slogan put them over the top.

 

20 Best Offspring Songs

The Offspring is one of those bands that has been pretty good over the past two decades, yet have hardly changed. Any song they put out today is one that sounds like one they put out 15 years ago. They’re all short punk ditties, with catchy intros and hooks, great choruses, lots of “oh oh oooooohs” and Dexter Holland screaming about teenage screwups. While some music critics view this as a bad thing, who cares?

However, Offspring did go through a phase where they got a bit quirky, and this is where their popularity soared but longtime fans of the band decided that they were starting to suck. Yes, folks, I’m talking about when “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” and “Get a Job” hit the airwaves along with the album Splinter in 2003, which no one bought or heard.

Let’s now look at the best Offspring songs, all of which can be mixed into one.

20 Smash – Smash (1994)

The album Smash, which isn’t Offspring’s first album but their first popular one, is so good that its title song isn’t even the highlight, but the closing one with the hidden track at the end of the CD. Don’t get this confused with Offspring’s “Smash It Up” from the Batman Forever soundtrack.

I’m not a trendy a$$hole.
do what i want do what I feel like.
I’m not a stranded a$$hole.
don’t give a f@#$ if it’s good enough for you.

19 Mota – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

 

Like Smash, every song on Ixnay on the Hombre is great, so they’re well represented here. But a song about being a lazy stoner? By Offspring? Maybe they keep writing them because they kept forgetting the others.

Your memory’s gone and so is your life (your life)
Mota boy
But losing out just never felt so right

18 Defy You – Orange County Soundtrack (2002)

 

Good enough for the Orange County soundtrack and good enough to satisfy fans who downloaded this for free in 2001-2002 when file-sharing was most rampant.

17 The Meaning of Life – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

Who better than this band to sing about it?

By the way,
I know your path has been tried and so
It may seem like the way to go.
Me, I’d rather be found
Trying something new.

16 Dammit, I Changed Again – Conspiracy of One (2000)

More of the same from Offspring — the sounds, the themes, etc. But anything to wash “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” taste out of our mouths.

15 Something to Believe In – Smash (1994)

Not only do the songs sound alike but so do the names. Who can remember the difference between this and “The Meaning of Life”?

14 Way Down the Line – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

 

Nothing changes cause it’s all the same

That’s right, Offspring.

13 Amazed – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

Yeah and if I make it I’m still alone
No more hope for better days
But if i could change
Then I’d really be amazed

Anyone starting to see a pattern here?

12 Change the World – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

Is this any different than “The Meaning of Life” and “Something to Believe In”?

11 Gotta Get Away – Smash (1994)

I actually find this one to be overrated compared to other songs on Smash, but gotta respect the hits off this album. This was one that helped put the band on the map, along with “Self-Esteem” and “Come Out and Play.”

10 Want You Bad – Conspiracy of One (2000)

This sounds like one of those brat summer songs from the soundtrack of an American Pie flick.

9 I Choose (1997) – Ixnay on the Hombre

Oddly, this song isn’t even in the Top 50 of downloaded Offspring songs. But it certainly got one of the better riffs.

8 All I Want – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

I can do without the “Ya Ya Ya Ya Ya” part but the rest is vintage Offspring.

7 Leave it Behind – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

 

Love these lyrics:

I don’t know where it’ll end
The sun has set
And I can’t be friends
I don’t know if I can forgive
The day is long
But you were so dead wrong

6 Hammerhead – Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace (2008)

 

This one seems to be about war. I guess these guys got off the sofa and went to Iraq and Afghanistan.

5 Gone Away – Ixnay on the Hombre (1997)

 

Perhaps the saddest song by Offspring — about the death of a loved one.

And it feels… Yeah it feels like heaven’s so far away
And it feels… Yeah it feels like the world has grown cold
Now that you’ve gone away

4 The Kids Aren’t Alright – Americana (1998)

 

The only good song to come off of Americana, this is another typical song that deals with how bright-eyed kids grew up to be losers.

3 You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid – Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace (2008)

 

To think, 14 years after dropping Smash, Offspring is still hitting us with songs like this.

Dance, f@#$er, dance.

2 Self-Esteem – Smash (1994)

Words we can all relate to:

I may be dumb, but I’m not a dweeb. I’m just a sucker with low self-esteem

1 Come Out and Play – Smash (1994)

Truth be told, swapping out this for “Self-Esteem” wouldn’t be a stretch, and the entire Smash album in many ways is like one long song. It’s one of those albums that brings us back to the time we listened to it, relating it to our own life at the time. You know, you’re only 18, you won’t be doing any time.

And… the two worst ever:

Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Get a Job