Category: Blogging

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Ancient Aliens, Our Only Hope

Ancient Aliens, History Channel‘s series that explores the possibilities aliens came to the planet in ancient times to help humans build the great pyramids and other things, is one of the most addicting shows on that channel (after Pawn Stars, of course), for believers and skeptics alike.

Skeptics, particularly those who are historians and scientists, will pull their hair out watching this series, as it investigates far-out theories, such as aliens dropping nuclear bombs in ancient times to Noah’s Ark being a DNA bank. Why would skeptics watch? The same reasons why liberals listen to Rush Limbaugh: to vehemently disagree.

However, the series is also very convincing for those who are desperate for answers to some of the world’s greatest mysteries. Why were the pyramids built? How could Puma Punku have been created when those people couldn’t even write? Why would the Nazca Lines have been drawn when no one could see them unless they were high in the air? And this one: Does God exist?

If the existence of aliens is ever proven, it blows the lid off everything, particularly the major religions. God did this, God did that… is the accepted position by many without question, but that’s just as far out as believing that aliens (who are technically also from heaven), made biblical miracles like the Exodus happen. Maybe it was a powerful alien who impregnated the Virgin Mary and made Jesus Christ rise from the grave. To fundamentalists, the ancient alien theory can actually prove that many things written in the Bible actually happened.

I’m not saying I’m totally on board with ancient aliens theorists. I am saying, however, that I hope they’re correct, because if we’re ever going to get answers to the greatest mysteries of our past, and actual proof religions aren’t a bunch of tall tales, then the ancient alien theories are our only hope.

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Five Reasons Why Bert & Ernie Should Come Out of the Closet

A recent tweet by Bert from Sesame Street led to speculation that he’ll soon be coming out of the closet. While rumors of Bert and Ernie’s homosexuality have been around since Jim Henson and Frank Oz stuck their hands up their backsides (This is Gunaxin, we make stupid jokes like that), it’s time to list good reasons why now is the time for them to finally admit the extent of their relationship.

1. To teach children about gay people

Too often, children first learn about homosexuality in a negative context from peers. The first time I heard about it was from older kids who were calling each other “faggot.” As a preschooler, Bert and Ernie were my heroes, and if I had known they were gay with the child-friendly definition of ‘two men who live together as a couple’ I would’ve started out with a much more positive view of homosexuality than what I learned on the playground. The only drawback is that homophobic or closed-minded parents may keep their children from watching the show under this circumstance, thus potentially harming their child’s cognitive development in more ways than one.

 

2. To teach kids that gay people can be polar opposites

Another one of the early beliefs about gay people is that they’re “flamers.” Though I knew better, it wasn’t until I was 18 and working in the warehouse of an interior design company that I really got a firsthand look at the diversity of personalities in the homosexual community (ranging from the guy you’d never suspect to the guy who dressed as Dorothy on Halloween – seriously). Young children recognize Bert and Ernie are very different from one another, and their opposite personalities at the very best will keep gay folks from being stereotyped.

 

3. To give a boost of confidence to young gay kids

I don’t know at what point kids start to realize they’re gay, but if they’re actually taught what it is by understanding Muppets instead of left to learn about it on the playground in a negative context, I can only presume it would be easier on them.

 

4. There’s been an HIV positive Muppet already, so why not a gay one?

Sesame Street in South Africa unveiled an HIV positive Muppet years ago due to the HIV epidemic in that part of the world. South Africa doesn’t have a history of open-mindedness, yet teaching kids about HIV via a Muppet was groundbreaking. Imagine if Sesame Street had just admitted in the first place that Bert and Ernie were gay (assuming PBS would’ve been open to it back then). With gay bullying and gay suicides such hot issues lately, admitting these Muppets are gay can help fight these issues. People who disagree are either homophobic, closed-minded or believe it’s up to the parents to explain. In all cases, the parents are likely causing more harm than good to the child’s development than with just this one issue.

 

5. To end the speculation

To me, it’s kind of annoying when someone who is obviously gay doesn’t officially come out and admit it – then admits it and receives much fanfare. Ellen DeGeneres’s big moment was the biggest “no s%$#, Sherlock” moment of the 20th century. Please read: These days, it’s only brave for a celebrity to come out of the closet when there’s NO MAJOR SPECULATION that he or she is gay. Bert and Ernie coming out won’t exactly shock people, but the fact that Sesame Street can teach children about homosexuality and raise them to be accepting is a step that needs to be taken if we expect to make bigger strides toward decreasing stigmas and prejudice in the coming years.

Other than homophobic and closed-minded arguments, the only one I’ve heard in response to this is that Bert and Ernie are puppets and can’t be gay, and there’s nothing wrong with leaving it as a friendship. While that’s not wrong, Sesame Street would be missing a huge opportunity.

Now let’s sing.

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‘The Ovechkin Project’ Review

Several athletes these days generate enough interest to justify a book, and Capitals fans were initially pleased to know that they’d get a more in-depth view of Alex Ovechkin, one of the best athletes Washington D.C. has ever had. But the “The Ovechkin Project” isn’t necessarily a biography of hockey’s most dangerous player, but a thesis on a question that no one asked.

The book chronicles Ovechkin’s life in Russia, his time with Moscow Dynamo and days in the World Juniors. It details the many factors – including the signing of Jaromir Jagr and the timing of Ovechkin’s birthday – that needed to happen in order to get him to Washington. It narrates many familiar moments, such as the nationally televised game on Super Bowl Sunday. It talks about the disappointments last season in the Olympics and playoffs, the suspensions, and the NHL awards ceremony in Las Vegas. Readers also get a look into related stories, such as the rise of Bruce Boudreau and how that benefited Mike Green and David Steckel in particular.

But the underlying theme of the book is how Ovechkin supposedly changed from the fun-loving, carefree person he was in his rookie season to something different today. To prove their point, authors Damien Cox and Gare Joyce too often make unnecessary and biased assertions, and focus on – shocker – how frustrated Ovechkin must be because he hasn’t yet won a Stanley Cup or Olympic gold medal. The authors also suggest that Ovechkin will come to regret his long term contract with the Capitals because shorter-term ones could have ultimately paid him more. Does anyone think Ovechkin is losing sleep over this?

That’s not to say the book completely throws Ovechkin under the bus. Aside from describing some Washington Capitals history and other things that fans would find interesting, the authors interview people who have benefited from Ovechkin’s generosity and thoughtfulness. Take away the needless quips and silly claims and the book has the making of a halfway decent look at the Washington Capitals and the arrival of Alex Ovechkin. Capitals Director of Media Relations Nate Ewell says that Cox and Joyce were given access to everyone in the organization but Ovechkin, who opted not to participate. This likely created some bitterness that made the authors tilt the writing in the direction that ultimately earned the book sour reviews, including this one.

Because of smart PR by Ted Leonsis and the Capitals organization, many fans – clearly the target audience of ‘The Ovechkin Project’ – made a decision not to read it even before it hit shelves. And Cox did further damage by claiming Ovechkin’s contract shouldn’t have been approved, which earned a rebuttal from Ted Leonsis. But the very worst thing? The book contains an unacceptable number of typographical errors, which is inexcusable for anyone but breaking news bloggers.

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The Lure of Song Lists

One of the things I’ve learned about people’s search habits on the Internet is that they often search for lists of songs about certain subjects, and I’ve taken this into consideration when writing articles for Gunaxin. Several of my articles routinely appear near the top of Google search results when people search for ‘songs about…’ However, writing an article based solely on search behavior is secondary to my own interest in these song lists, which isn’t so unusual considering the number of people who are also searching for these lists.

Sad subject, I’ll admit, but anyone who searches for ‘songs about suicide’ (hundreds of searches a day, at least) will see my article “Top Ten Songs About Suicide” near the top of Google results (also a search for ‘suicide songs’ does it). Tens of thousands of people have stumbled upon this article in the past year. It’s just a ranked list of songs that I picked about the subject.

The next big song list that frequently gets search results is “Top Ten Songs to Fight To.” I’m actually surprised this one has done so well over the past year, but apparently more people Google ‘Fighting Songs’ than I thought. Unlike the suicide songs list, the fighting songs are just ten tunes I found that are high-energy and would make a good soundtrack to an old fashioned fist fight. The list could be much longer but who has time for that? Regardless, I’m glad it’s frequently accessed.

The next most frequently searched list is for ‘gay songs.’ After my brother bought a Subaru Forester more than a year ago, he told me it was the top selling car for lesbians. That gave me an idea. I could write an article about the top selling gay and lesbian cars, so I Googled it. Too late. Everyone already wrote that article. Having already written other frequently searched song lists, I then Googled ‘gay songs’ and came up with some very lame results. Finally I found a very good list, from some Australian magazine, but the list was hard to find and the article was paginated. So what did I do? I grabbed the info, wrote and article, and credited them with a link. This is not recommended, and I’m not happy I did it, but at the same time, their information was very hard to find, which is obviously not ideal for people who are searching for it. Next, the Gunaxin article, “Top 50 Gay Songs – Which Do You Own?” rose near the top of search results for ‘gay songs.’ My ‘Gunaxin’ spin was to tell people to count the number of songs they own to see how ‘gay’ they are. Ridiculous, obviously, and some people took it seriously and blasted me for it, failing to note the sarcasm. The article got tens of thousands of page views, but I felt bad because it was just a list from another source. But what I also realized was that this article could be an entire website of LGBT songs and artists. Seizing the search engine opportunity, Gunaxin launched a new website, topgaysongs.com (though none of us are gay). Via Craigslist ads, I recruited a few writers who are passionate about the subject and wrote some articles. The site is virtually maintenance free and gets more than 5,000 page views a month. It makes revenue off of Google ads and Amazon associate links. It hasn’t made us rich, yet, but the number of page views are nothing to throw away. Now only if I can find someone to run it who actually likes those songs, because I certainly don’t. (Also, I briefly thought about launching other sites ‘TopSuicideSongs.com’ and ‘TopFightingSongs.com’ but didn’t see much potential beyond the single song lists.)

The next big article I wrote that I’m hoping will gain a top spot in the search engines is “Songs About Abortion – Pro-Life Edition.” I don’t know how many people search for ‘songs about abortion’ but with any luck, it, too, will rise to the top of Google.

Now, off to write more song lists, because the public is definitely looking for them!

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Books We Should Be Burning

There is a lot of talk about book burning these days because a Gainesville pastor wanted to burn the Koran on Sept. 11. The German poet Heinrich Heine once wrote, “Where they burn books, they will also, in the end, burn humans.”

While I completely agree with this (considering it was a response to the Nazis burning books and later murdering millions), I do believe this message isn’t taking a few points into account.

Listverse.com came up with a remarkable list of ten books that screwed up the world, books that were filled with lies, racism, and sparked murder. These include Malleus Maleficarum, the manual for witch hunting, The Pivot of Civilization, which advocates eugenics and was written by the founder of Planned Parenthood, and of course Mein Kampf. I’d venture to say if these books hadn’t have been published, or were burned, the world would be a slightly better place today.

But I want to take a different route, and focus on books that should be burned for reasons that Heine didn’t consider. Burning these books will not lead to burning humans. These are books that are constantly lining the shelves of book stores, selling relatively well, but routinely getting awful reviews.

Yes, folks, I’m talking about the collected works of James Patterson.

I used to read and enjoy Patterson’s books from the ’90s and earlier in the 2000s, back in the early days of Alex Cross. That was when only Patterson’s name was listed as the author. But since then, Patterson has created an assembly line for his publishing house, cranking out a new one every couple of months, and stamping his name alongside some hack writer who wouldn’t sell half as many copies without King James.

These books take up all that space at the airport bookstore, in place of good books by talented authors. Morons buy them, then go to Amazon and give them a poor rating.

Tell me, what purpose do any of these books serve? They’re poorly reviewed, they’re poorly written (even Patterson admits that polished writing isn’t important to his book-writing techniques), and there’s no end in sight:

The only purpose they serve is to feed money to Patterson, the publisher, the book store, and the co-author. They likely take money out of the pockets of more talented writers who can’t get space on the shelf, or can’t get published, because Witch & Wizard: Battle for Shadowland is in the way.

(Granted, if someone could sell their turds, and people kept buying them despite the lousy reviews, that’s just the free market at work, so I understand why Patterson keeps selling these.)

So there you have it, folks. Books that should be burned. Either that, or books WE SHOULD NO LONGER BE BUYING. Patterson may continue writing, but we kindly ask him to actually try, and to get better reviews.

I would also like to report that there is a Facebook group for All Twilight Books to be Burned.