I’m not sure why I’m writing this because it’s something I would rather forget. But maybe it’s important for someone to know and understand how misunderstandings mixed with certain circumstances can spiral into something very ugly.
When I was seven, I started practicing taekwondo. Then my family moved, and I had always wanted to get back into it, but didn’t until March of 1994, right before I graduated high school. Between then and 2021, I earned my third degree black belt, though I didn’t test regularly and getting promoted wasn’t a priority for me.
My club, a non-profit, closed shortly after Covid restrictions ended because most of our students moved away. Also, my instructor was focussing more on tai chi. I went looking for another club.
I couldn’t find one nearby that made sense for me, as I didn’t want to drive out to College Park or Chevy Chase on weeknights during rush hour. So I wandered into a building that I hadn’t stepped foot in since 1993, when I visited while still in high school before deciding on another club. Though it was under different ownership, the studio was at the same place.
That place didn’t make sense for me, either. Though they had a taekwondo program, it was mainly for kids, just like most of the other clubs near me.
I also learned that they had a jiu jitsu program. I knew nothing about the martial art, other than it involved complex ground fighting. I took the introductory class and realized immediately that I wanted to stick with it. I went to every beginner class that I could for an entire year, which totaled about 95 classes, while also volunteering with the taekwondo program as an instructor.
Once I got my first stripe on my white belt, I started attending the intermediate and advanced classes, which consisted of a lot more ‘rolling.’ The rolling sessions are five minutes of sparring, and we have four or five of these sessions sometimes, usually three times a week.
By the middle of the summer, there was one more class I hadn’t started yet, which was the no-gi class, where we wear only shorts and base layer shirts.
For me, the no-gi class was extremely hard to get used to, because there’s nothing to grip and it’s a lot more slippery and sweaty. It reminds me of the time when I switched from roller hockey to ice hockey. Ice is obviously a lot faster, and while I felt more comfortable with that transition, the no-gi class was was harder for me to adapt to.
I kept going, anyway.
One of my tendencies (aka flaws) while rolling is making too much noise and showing too much emotion. This isn’t ideal, because it’s telling my opponent what I’m feeling. In no-gi, I’m a fish out of water, so being flipped around and smashed happens more quickly.
I also attend class a lot, so I get to know my classmates very well, and always chit chat and joke around with them. I think it’s important to keep things light-hearted with people, especially since we’re talking one minute and trying to choke each other the next. In May, I invited the club to my house for a party. Many folks came, some with their families, and had a good time.
One Tuesday in late July, I went to taekwondo, helped teach, then attended the jiu jitsu class. After the first hour, we had the no-gi class, which consisted entirely of rolling.
A woman in my class – a blue belt – asked me for a no-gi roll. I’d known her for several months and learned that she lived near me when I had my club party, as she brought over her kids. I even passed by her house one day on a walk and exchanged greetings, and she told me on social media how she liked Switzerland after I posted a photo during a recent trip. Considering she was a neighbor, I was probably nicer to her than most folks, because there was more to talk about.
There are a few other women in the class and I occasionally roll with them, as well. I’m always careful while rolling with women, rarely use full power, and always make sure I don’t even accidentally do something that could make them uncomfortable. I believe most guys do that while rolling with women.
I had rolled with her in the past during the gi classes, and once made her tap (submit), though she usually got the better of me. But for the no-gi roll, I did terribly against her, and gasped or laughed a couple times when she did some fancy moves. We had to shift around as we ended up too close to another match, and soon after, she was working on an arm bar just as the clock expired. I jokingly teased her about missing the the arm bar before time ran out. Then I think I took a break, and soon after rolled with someone else, where I continued performing poorly.
For the last roll of the class, she asked me to go again. I didn’t really want to, but obliged. She was being a lot rougher the second time, and early in the match, I slipped and smashed my left elbow into the mat. Despite the elbow pain, I continued with the roll, which was, again, me playing defense and getting beat.
After the buzzer sounded, I stood up and looked at my elbow. It was bulging. Bursitis. I’d seen this before on others, but this was the first time I had loose skin filled with fluid on my elbow. I asked for advice, and folks told me to ice it, and worst case, I’d have to go to the hospital to get it drained.
“You can tell them that you got beat up by a girl,” she said. Ha ha. I thought about telling her that I was going to egg her house, but said nothing.
In the post-class handshake line, she was less that cordial to me, giving me a limp handshake and not making eye contact. I didn’t think much of it, then went home and iced my elbow.
My notes on class that night:
He’s in my guard with a hand on me, I cross grab the fabric of his gi on his wrist and also the fabric of his tricep, bump him and pull his arm to the side, then grab his hand around his head, grab the fabric of his leg by his knee, shift a little and sweep. Then an arm bar. I also did no gi rolling but bumped my left elbow, which is swelling with fluid in it.
The next day, my elbow still hurt but the swelling had gone down. I taught at taekwondo, and me being me, I went back to the jiu jitsu class. My notes:
Gaining the elbow from side control by leaning on legs and scooting under elbow. Or, lift elbow with hand and put furthest knee under it by shifting base, then bring closer knee around to wedge it up. Skipped advanced class due to elbow pain.
I left early and ended up going to my original taekwondo master’s house briefly to drop something off, and told him that I had hurt me elbow that night. It’s not an injury that often happens in taekwondo.
On Thursday, I decided against going back since it was a no-gi class, and it would be best to rest my elbow.
On Friday, I returned for a taekwondo lesson with the owner and a couple of other black belts. I spent much of the class learning the form Palgwe 4, then went home and had Shabbat dinner with my father.
On Saturday morning, despite the elbow pain, I went to class. I was told that I could still practice techniques and get in some exercise, but not to roll. That’s what I would do.
Before class started, my instructor called me into his office.
He said he wanted to talk with me about what happened with that woman on Tuesday.
What I was told is second hand, so I can only sum up some of the words I heard:
I had a ‘crush’ on her, I was ‘giggling’ throughout the roll, I joked about her not finishing the arm bar on time, but worst of all, I was enjoying it too much, as she felt that I had an ‘erection.’
I’m guessing that last part was the main complaint, as everything else was fairly trivial.
But… I wear a cup. That’s what she felt. She didn’t know. My instructor knew and apparently told her this. I even understand how she could make the mistake, since most people don’t wear cups in jiu jitsu for various reasons.
Also, the instructor and owner watched our match several times to make sure I wasn’t doing anything inappropriate during the roll. They saw that there wasn’t any touching of inappropriate places, something that can easily happen during jiu jitsu, even by accident.
I was in the clear. They also noted that we even high-fived after the first roll.
Here’s what I don’t get.
Why didn’t she stop the roll if she thought she felt something inappropriate? More importantly, why did she ask me to roll again? I could only think that she wanted revenge for that stupid joke. But why would she want to roll again if she thought I had an erection the first time? Shouldn’t that have creeped her out enough to stay away?
When informed of the cup, why didn’t she drop the complaint? Why haven’t I gotten an apology?
I get injured sometimes in hockey, in taekwondo, and in jiu jitsu. I know the risks. But now that I know that second roll was a revenge roll, and I got hurt during it, I can’t help but wonder about her intentions. I won’t pursue that any further, as I wouldn’t want that second roll analyzed to see if she did anything nefarious. But, I did get hurt in a roll that should have never happened to begin with.
The studio owner, my instructor and a female employee have my back and I’ve been cleared of wrongdoing.
But now I just need to clear this from my head. Somehow, that’s more difficult than getting choked out, arm-barred, kicked in the face, or taking a hockey skate to the wrist and ending up in the emergency room.